Why Avoiding Anxiety Makes It Worse (And What to Do Instead)

Ever felt like the harder you try to relax, the more anxious you get?

The more you avoid your anxiety, the worse it gets.

And the worse it gets, the more you want to avoid it. That’s the trap.

It’s a loop most people don’t even know they’re stuck in. We try to outsmart anxiety with routines, supplements, positive affirmations, or coping tricks. But if you’ve been at this long enough, you know it just keeps coming back.

This is the heart of it:

Chronic anxiety is often just anxiety about anxiety.

It’s not the anxious moment itself; it’s our fear of feeling it again that keeps the whole system stuck.

But here’s the flip: the same way you trained your brain to be afraid of anxiety, you can train it to be safe with anxiety. And that changes everything.

It’s Not Your Thoughts. It’s Not Your Body. It’s Your Nervous System.

For years, I thought I had to fix my thinking. Or maybe just get my body under control.

But what I’ve learned through the work of Deb Dana and others in the field of polyvagal theory is this:

The nervous system runs the show.

It decides if you’re in a state of fight, flight, freeze, or presence.

And when your nervous system perceives anxiety as a threat, it reacts fast.

Not based on logic. Not based on reality. Based on a felt sense of danger.

If we want to break the cycle of chronic anxiety, we don’t start by fixing it.

We start by retraining the nervous system to experience anxiety without panic, without avoidance, without shame.

Why Avoiding Anxiety Makes It Worse

Every time you avoid anxiety—by distracting yourself, taking something to numb it, or immediately trying to “calm down”- you teach your brain that anxiety is dangerous. That’s something to escape.

The brain is always watching. And what you do teaches it what to believe.

So if you avoid anxiety, your brain learns:

 “Anxiety = unsafe.”

And that turns everyday stress into a chronic problem.

Sleepless nights. Performance fears. Relationship spirals. Constant overwhelm.

How to Rewire It: Safety Learning

Let’s flip the script.

What if you could actually teach your nervous system that anxiety is safe?

Not enjoyable, not comfortable, but safe.

That’s what psychologists call safety learning. And it works.

Instead of avoiding the anxiety, you welcome it. This doesn’t mean you force yourself into scary situations.

It means you drop the resistance when anxiety shows up.

Even just for a few seconds. Even just a breath.

Two Steps That Change Everything

Here’s how I teach it:

1. Stop Avoiding Anxiety

Avoidance can look sneaky.

It’s not always running away. Sometimes it’s reaching for a calming mantra too quickly, or turning on a podcast to drown out the noise.

You might even be using techniques like breathing or meditation to avoid the feeling, rather than meet it.

It’s not about stopping your tools. It’s about using them from a place of willingness, not fear.

Ask yourself:

“Am I trying to get rid of this feeling?”

 If yes, pause. Notice. Let it be.

2. Start Welcoming Anxiety

This is where the shift happens. You meet the anxiety with openness, not panic.

You say:

“Okay, you’re here. I don’t love this, but I can hold it.”

You sit with it. You breathe with it. You don’t fix it.

And in that space, your nervous system gets a new message:

This isn’t a threat. This is just a feeling.

That’s how safety learning rewires your brain.

Real Talk: You Can’t Trick Your Nervous System

You can’t fake this.

If your body senses that you’re trying to force calm, it won’t believe you.

You actually have to be willing to feel anxiety.

To stay in the room. To ride the wave.

Because the more you’re willing to feel it, the less power it has.

Ask Yourself: What Am I Teaching My Brain?

Every action sends a message to your nervous system.

If you avoid the anxiety:

Your brain learns, “This is dangerous.”

If you welcome the anxiety:

Your brain learns, “This is safe.”

It’s that simple, and that hard.

But this is the work that rewires your system for peace, not panic.

Try This: Scheduled Worry Time

Here’s a nervous system hack I use with clients:

Schedule your anxiety.

Pick 10 minutes a day. Sit down and let yourself worry. Let the anxious thoughts come. No distractions. Just you and the feeling.

Here’s the thing:

You’re teaching your brain that anxiety isn’t dangerous.

You’re building tolerance. You’re building presence.

Over time, this trains your system to stop reacting in fear.

And that’s when the spiral begins to unwind.

Final Word

To heal chronic anxiety, you don’t need another trick.

You need a new relationship with anxiety.

It’s not about fighting the feeling.

It’s about changing the meaning.

If anxiety doesn’t mean danger anymore, it doesn’t run your life anymore.

That’s the shift.

You can train your brain to stress less and live more.

But you have to be willing to feel the thing you’ve been running from.

And that, my friend, is the real path home.

Now, I know this takes practice, and sometimes we need some immediate tools.

That's why I created Peace in Your Pocket

Tools to calm your nervous system, bring you back to centre, and restore a sense of quiet clarity in under a minute.

Wherever you are — a busy hallway, a hospital shift, between errands — carry your peace with you.

You don’t need motivation. You need regulation.

Check it out here https://www.jodywilliams.ca/peace